Oprah is the Shizz

About a month ago, I caught an Oprah espisode called "Memoirs of an Unfit Mother." One clip featured a mother and daughter that hadn't spoken in 6 months, since the daughter's DUI.

The daughter, Jennifer, is a self-proclaimed "extreme want-to-have-fun person." Sounds like my kind of bitch. Except for the fact that the day of her DUI, she drank from 11am to 8pm and then drove her car, with her daughter in the backseat.

Oprah's reaction was classic. "I don't even know what to say to that."

Do you know why Oprah, the queen of talk, had nothing to say? Because Oprah looked like she wanted to throw that bitch down on the floor right there and beat the shit out of her. So did I, Oprah. So did I.

Stupid ass bitch muthafucker. It's okay for you to throw your life away, but don't drag innocent victims down with you. That includes your crotch candy.

Chivalry is Dead

The other day I had to use a different grocery store than I'm used to because I was hunting for some cider vinegar to make some deviled eggs. My usual store was out and wasn't due for another shipment until sometime in 2008.

I spent 20 minutes searching for the stupid bottle of vinegar. The label said $0.69. Twenty minutes of my life wasted for this stupid bottle.

I sauntered up to the 20 items or less lanes which I absolutely hate. There are four checkouts, two on either side of one aisle. A cheesy sign says "Wait here until next register opens." Nobody does because I've waited patiently behind the sign and had no less than two people jump to the next free register. When I first approached the express checkout, I arrived at the same time as an older man who was pushing the 20 item limit judging from the items in his cart.

The two lanes on the right were servicing other customers who had also chosen to push the twenty item limit. The two lanes on the left were occupied by gentlemen finishing up their transactions at approximately the same time. The older man stood and surveyed the scene and pulled his cart up behind the closest register on the left. I waited about 30 seconds and the next register on the left opened up. Older man didn't move as I hesitated a second, and then I boogied my way up to the open register.

Behind me I heard a booming voice from the older man say, "Now you wouldn't be cutting in front of me, NOW WOULD YOU???" I looked at him, then at my bottle of vinegar, cracked a half smile and muttered, "Oh, sorry." From the look in his eyes, he was serious! Holy shit man, do you see I'm going to be out of here in less time than it takes you to wank off, you son of a bitch? I quickly felt my face flush with anger at the embarrassment he had caused me. The insulting comebacks flooded my mind, but I was in a hurry and not about to waste another minute on this dumb muthafucker. I looked at the cashier and said, "Like it really fucking matters. I only have this one thing." She looked at me like I was going to punch her in the face. It must've been the veins bulging from my forehead that scared her.

Dumbass muthafucker. I should've chucked that stupid bottle at him and left.